Announcement: Provocateur Columnist Polyester Pam is in the house

Polyester Pam arrived fully formed & world weary, via a prolonged messy labour of around 50 years in the toilet of the same hospital as that Prince Wills Missus gives birth every year. She got dropped a couple of times, but is now tucked up in her bed with a bottle of milky brandy and no access to social media till tomorrow.  Meanwhile she has provided Goldie with a useful Q & A press release as follows:

What are your three words on ageing?


What are you most concerned about at the moment?

The environment. I’m stocking up on disposable plastic cups in case they ban them. Don’t people realise you shouldn’t be using so much water – washing up is so old-fashioned, if it’s bad for your nails it can’t be good for the world.

Favourite things to do everyday?

Bleach the kitchen floor – I love the smell of chemicals in the morning: all my girlfriend’s get Flash for their birthdays.

Shout at the telly – I don’t get the problems with fake-news, there’s too much reality for me; I want the TV to offer me fantasy; like that gorgeous Evan Davis.

Drink Cava – everyone raves about Italy but what about the poor Spanish? I’ve always been loyal to my first taste of holiday romance.

Luckily I can do all three at once.

What do you miss most about being young?

Not being felt up in lifts and on trains. #whynotme

Person you admire most?

I used to like Patsy- from Ab Fab – buts she’s gone all green. I like that woman Brenda “not another one”, I’d happily share my Cava with her.

Biggest regret?

Having children. I thought they would look after me in my old age but they buggered off pretty quick, no idea where they are…no inheritance for them, more for me!

What can we expect from your column?

Am I supposed to know in advance? I thought I’d make it up as I go along…i don’t know. Probably a bit of Botoxed Brexit with fake tits, eyelashes, spray tan and bubbles.

How would you like readers to respond to your writing?

I’ve never been Trolled, that would be fun. Only don’t send dick-pics I’ve no more room in the downstairs loo. x


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